The AMAZING Gabriela Lessa (http://aspiringwriterworld.blogspot.com/2011/06/love-all-year-long-contest-with-prizes.html) is hosting a Love Scene contest in honor of Brazil's Valentine's Day. I have a soft spot in my heart for Brazil as my oldest son has been serving a mission in the Sao Paulo area for the past 15 months.
A huge THANK YOU to agent Weronika Janczuk for offering fabulous prizes.
And, thank you all for stopping by and commenting. I'm looking forward to reading your scenes.
Name: Nicole M. White
Title: STARS BRIGHT
Genre: contemporary romance
Entry word count: 624
Manuscript word count: 90,954
Link number: 10
Scene Who: Ryan- reformed Hollywood bad-boy and world wide mega star
Sophia- widowed mom of two teenage boys, organic farmer
20% into the story
A huge THANK YOU to agent Weronika Janczuk for offering fabulous prizes.
And, thank you all for stopping by and commenting. I'm looking forward to reading your scenes.
Name: Nicole M. White
Title: STARS BRIGHT
Genre: contemporary romance
Entry word count: 624
Manuscript word count: 90,954
Link number: 10
Scene Who: Ryan- reformed Hollywood bad-boy and world wide mega star
Sophia- widowed mom of two teenage boys, organic farmer
20% into the story
“Who is it?” Sophia shifted in her outdoor bathtub unable to reach for the towel.
“It’s Ryan.” She heard his foot step on the wooden deck stairs. “Oh, here you are. What the?”
“I’m taking a bath.” Sophia sunk a bit lower in the water, as if it could hide her.
“Outside?”
“Under the stars… see,” she pointed to the sky. “I think a better question is what are you doing here?”
“I missed you.”
“Oh.”
“It’s been two weeks. I can’t stop thinking about you. I’ll be reading a script and I find I want to ask your opinion on a scene. Or I’ll be at the store and wonder what you would rather have; the steak or salmon, and then I’ll give up and grab a deli sandwich.” Ryan spoke rushed, jangling the keys in his hands, and shifting on his feet.
“But this is crazy; you don’t just hop on a plane and show up unannounced in the dark of the night.”
“Who’s talking about crazy - you’re bathing outside. Not even a fence to keep out wandering strangers.”
“Strangers don’t wander my property.” Sophia snapped back. “If you didn’t notice the whole town is practically asleep by now. Go away.” She shooed him with her hand, splattering his pants with water.
“What?”
“Go away, or turn around, I’m getting out.”
“Don’t, it’s kind of sexy. Are you really bathing, no swim suit?”
“This is a bath, not a hot tub.”
Ryan pulled over one of the deck chairs. Having no choice Sophia sank back submerging her shoulders. Ryan splashed the water with his fingers. “Oh, nice, warm. Well… Surprise. Not quite the welcome I expected.”
“What were you expecting? I told you we shouldn’t see each other again.”
“I know what you said, but I didn’t think your heart meant it. Sophia, there is something between us. It can’t be all in my head, I can feel it, so real, the most real thing I’ve ever felt.”
Sophia studied Ryan, his amber eyes passionate, sparkling with an internal light, once again rivaling the stars in the night sky. His lips, firm, full, holding back his desire. His hand, the fingers swirling the water, the times they had held her they fit just right. And this connection between them a band stretched thin with the distance had come home and rested comfortably around them.
“Yes, Ryan, you are right.” Her voice light; happy to finally admit what her heart has been telling her, she felt a weight lift and fly away.
Ryan leaned over the tub; his hands braced on either side, gripping the rim, and kissed her, soft and gentle, lips barely brushing. His hands slipped. He splashed into the tub, jacket, shirt, jeans soaked. They laughed as he struggled for a moment. Then the laughter drifted away with the steam rising in the air. Ryan stilled considering the soft, warm, women beneath him. She placed a dripping hand on his dry shoulder leaving a wet print on the dark fabric and gently pushed him away.
“As enjoyable as this is, I think one of us is overdressed.” Ryan said dryly lightening the mood with another laugh. He managed to stand up. His clothes dripped and steamed in the cool night air. He took off his jacket and hung it over the chair. His shirt followed and then his shoes.
“What do you think you are doing?” Sophia asked alarmed.
“I’m dripping wet.”
“Obviously. Get your bag while I go inside and put something on. I’ll meet you at the front door and you can change in the guest room.”
“Aww… you’re no fun.”
“Ryan!”
“I know sweetheart just teasing.” He kissed her once and headed to his car.
She is a tease... I like the build up you've created, and in the end she still pushes him away - great tension. Would have loved to see him jump into the tub - showing his reckless side:) They so like each other, but something is holding them apart, and I want to keep reading to find out what.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
I love the unresolved tension in this scene!
ReplyDeleteMy only comments really are technical ones. There are a couple of awkward phrases; one is this sentence: "His hand, the fingers swirling the water, the times they had held her they fit just right."
I think it alters the flow and jars the reader out of the moment for a second. Sometimes simple is better, something like "She watched his fingers swirling the water, remembering how when he'd held her, they'd fit just right." just so the reader gets a fuller sense of what she's thinking. It also gets you out of the hand/fingers/they singular/plural business.
I'm always a sucker for the guy who comes back after being pushed away, so this one will stick with me. :)
I like the voice in this. You use the dialogue very well to give us a picture of their relationship. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteLiked how he splashed into the tub fully dressed!
ReplyDeleteI like Ryan's persistence. The tension is good!
I felt Sophia's responses went back and forth a bit quickly for me - yes she was conflicted, but I'd have liked to have heard a bit more (just a sentence or two) of how she went from snapping back to light and happy, then welcoming him, then pushing him away, then to alarmed.
Nice tension in this scene. I love a spurned man who comes back. Working hard for it is sexy.
ReplyDeleteJust one typo that made me giggle. 'Ryan stilled considering the soft, warm, women beneath him.' I think you mean woman. There's only one, not many. Would be a tight fit in a bath...
What a fun scene! I read a lot of contemporary novels and I haven't read one with an outdoor bathing scene before. Love it.
ReplyDeleteMy only question was his reaction to seeing her in the bathtub. He said "What the..." but I wondered if his eyes (or his smile) widened or some kind of physical reaction to him. And same for her.
It's fun to read something you've written! I didn't realize you were finished. Let me know if you ever want me to return the huge favor you gave me reading Falling. Good luck!
That is one sexy scene!
ReplyDeleteLOVE the visual with the outdoor tub =)
Oh this is so much fun! I always get them in a pond, but a tub?? SEXY. awwww I loved it. Except, it was not fair that she made him leave. *pout.*
ReplyDeleteWere there bubbles?
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your comments!! Such help and such encouragement.
ReplyDeleteHey. Never got your email. Are you entering?
ReplyDelete