(updated July 20)
Here's the final version of the query that I can tweak to fit each agents personal tastes. Thanks for the help and feedback everyone. And those fresh from the garden, virtual strawberries I promised- here you go:
Thank you Deana for hosting this contest and thank you Lora Rivera for being the judge and offering a great prize. I'm hopping on the bandwagon a bit late with this one so to anyone who stops on by and reads- Thank You, I'm sending you virtual strawberries fresh from my garden.
Dear Agent,
Being rescued by a movie star is the last thing widow Sophia Hunt expects when her car breaks down along the California coast. After all, a straight laced mother of two who loves her calm country life is hardly what anyone would call a perfect match for reformed Hollywood bad-boy Ryan Daniels. From the moment he offers his assistance Sophia's life is turned upside down, and yet she can't ignore his charm. When a good deed turns into a quasi-date with hometown veterinarian Bill Gordon, she finds herself with two suitors too many. With midday visits from the local Sheriff, harassment from one of Ryan's crazed fans, and her name in the weekly gossip column, Sophia begins to wonder if stepping into Ryan's sleek silver sports car that bright spring day was such a good idea. Then demons from Ryan's past threaten and Sophia must balance the swirling chaos with what is best for her teenage sons and for her heart.
Here's the final version of the query that I can tweak to fit each agents personal tastes. Thanks for the help and feedback everyone. And those fresh from the garden, virtual strawberries I promised- here you go:
Being rescued by a movie star is the last thing widow Sophia Hunt expects when her car breaks down along the California coast. A straight-laced mother of two teenage sons who loves the calm country life on her organic farm is hardly what could be called a perfect match for reformed Hollywood bad-boy Ryan Daniels, yet she can’t resist his persistent charms.
With threats from one of Ryan’s crazed fans endangering her farm, a saboteur trying to destroy Ryan’s rebuilt career, and a bully set on revenge Sophia wonders if stepping into Ryan's sleek silver sports car that bright spring day was such a good idea. After two “accidental” dates with hometown veterinarian Bill Gordon she finds herself torn between the comfort of life familiar and the zest of life unknown.
Sweet like chocolate, tangy like citrus, with a hint of spice, STARS BRIGHT is a 90,000-word contemporary romance about what happens when the flowering hills of Cascade View Farm and the bright lights of Hollywood collide.
As requested on your submission guidelines, I'm pasting below X pages. I hope you'll enjoy it. If you need more pages or any more information, please feel free to contact me. I look forward to hearing from you.
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Thank you Deana for hosting this contest and thank you Lora Rivera for being the judge and offering a great prize. I'm hopping on the bandwagon a bit late with this one so to anyone who stops on by and reads- Thank You, I'm sending you virtual strawberries fresh from my garden.
Dear Agent,
Being rescued by a movie star is the last thing widow Sophia Hunt expects when her car breaks down along the California coast. After all, a straight laced mother of two who loves her calm country life is hardly what anyone would call a perfect match for reformed Hollywood bad-boy Ryan Daniels. From the moment he offers his assistance Sophia's life is turned upside down, and yet she can't ignore his charm. When a good deed turns into a quasi-date with hometown veterinarian Bill Gordon, she finds herself with two suitors too many. With midday visits from the local Sheriff, harassment from one of Ryan's crazed fans, and her name in the weekly gossip column, Sophia begins to wonder if stepping into Ryan's sleek silver sports car that bright spring day was such a good idea. Then demons from Ryan's past threaten and Sophia must balance the swirling chaos with what is best for her teenage sons and for her heart.
Sweet, with a bit of sizzle, STARS BRIGHT is a 90,000 word contemporary romance about what happens when the flowering hills of Cascade View Farm and the bright lights of Hollywood collide.
This is very well written. I had a clear idea of the conflict and the consequences of the conflict.
ReplyDeleteI also thought the VOICE came across as strong.
My one suggestion is to break it up into smaller paragraphs--it is easier to read. I've heard of agents deleting queries that come across in big blocks of text. So beware.
Good luck. I would love to read this one day :)
Hey Nicole!
ReplyDeleteGreat stuff here! I am with Angie on breaking the one big paragraph into a couple smaller ones.
And one last suggestion, I had Lora (the judge of this contest actually) when she was an agent, critique my query once and one of the things she said was to watch for cliche' phrases like so and so's life was turned upside down.
I think you really have something here though and I love that it is short and to the point:)
Also, if you are wanting to enter the actual query contest email me your final draft by 12PM ET Tuesday:) My email is deanabarnhart@gmail.com
Good luck!
D
I totally want the virtual strawberries!!
ReplyDeleteOk, I really like the plot. I am the girl who would love to have a romance with a Hollywood bad boy (guess I never grew up). But I would make a couple changes to this. The second line doesn't seem to make sense after the first line. The first line is a great hook, but doesn't suggest that the two are going to get together. You could actually cut the second line all together. Starting two sentences in a row with adverbial phrases is a bit jarring (When a good deed...and With midday visits...). I'd restructure those. Also it seems like there should be a paragraph break somewhere.
Good start and good luck!
I'm a new follower, by the way :)
ReplyDeleteHi, Nicole,
ReplyDeleteMy suggestions are in parentheses/all caps:
Being rescued by a movie star is the last thing widow Sophia Hunt expects when her car breaks down along the California coast. (GREAT FIRST SENTENCE.) (After all,=DELETE) a straight(HYPHEN)laced mother of two who loves her calm country life is hardly what (anyone would=SHE'D) call a perfect match for reformed Hollywood bad(-=NO HYPHEN)boy Ryan Daniels.(START A NEW GRAPH.)From the moment he offers his assistance Sophia's life is turned upside down, (and=DELETE) yet she can't ignore his charm. When a good deed turns into a quasi-date with hometown veterinarian Bill Gordon, she finds herself with two suitors too many. With midday visits from the local (Sheriff=LOWERCASE), (harassment=?THREATS) from one of Ryan's crazed fans, and her name in the weekly gossip column, Sophia begins to wonder if stepping into Ryan's sleek silver sports car that bright spring day was such a good idea. (I LIKE ALL OF THIS; THE ONLY THIS IS I FELT BOUNCED FROM RYAN TO THE VET BACK TO RYAN.) Then (demons from Ryan's past threaten=FEELS A BIT LIKE A CLICHE, BUT MAYBE THESE ARE GOOD BUZZ WORDS FOR THIS GENRE?) and Sophia must balance (the swirling chaos=THIS ALSO FELT A BIT PURPLE.) with what is best for her teenage sons and for her heart.
Sweet(,=DELETE) with a bit of sizzle(I LOVE THIS CLAUSE!), STARS BRIGHT is a 90,000(HYPHEN)word contemporary romance about what happens when the flowering hills of (Cascade View Farm=I DIDN'T GET THIS ANALOGY, BUT IF YOUR EDITOR/AGENT DOES, GO FOR IT!) and the bright lights of Hollywood collide.
THIS SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT LIGHT-HEARTED YET POIGNANT READ. GO FOR IT!
Michelle
P.S. I'm a new follower!
Can picture this book on store shelves for sure! Who hasn't daydreamed of a hollywood hunk offering road side assistance? I know I have:) Great hook, but a little wordy. Love your last line in the query--kuddos and the very best of luck to you!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments. And thanks for the new followers. These query letters are so dang hard! All the best to you.
ReplyDeleteI think this story sounds really interesting! I agree with the above commenters about breaking up the paragraphs, but I would actually start the second paragraph at "When a good deed turns into a quasi-date with hometown veterinarian Bill Gordon, she finds herself with two suitors too many," but add in some sort of transition. It's a little bit abrupt. Maybe more info about Bill so the Bill v. Ryan conflict is more clear?
ReplyDeleteGood job!